


A Witch's 12th Perigee

by Sunbeamkeys



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Homestuck
Genre: Christmas, Christmas Presents, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Crossover, Cultural Differences, Gen, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-26
Updated: 2014-12-26
Packaged: 2018-03-03 15:44:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2856311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sunbeamkeys/pseuds/Sunbeamkeys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hermione is home for the holidays after her first quarter at Hogwarts. She chats with Vriska, her impossible pen pal across universes, and shares some Christmas cheer. There are gifts, mysterious magic, and some good old-fashioned cultural exchange.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Witch's 12th Perigee

**Author's Note:**

> For maidofpuns as part of coffeecakey's secret santa exchange.
> 
> [tumblr post](www.sunbeamkeys.tumblr.com/post/106209377625/merry-christmas-maidofpuns-im-your-secret-san)

(The lights come up on the stage divided into two sides. On the left is the charcoal gray room of VRISKA SERKET. There is an air of tundra and emptiness in the space. Broken eight balls glitter in piles on the floor. A desk with a chair stands up against the center wall. A red computer sits on the desk, facing left.)

(On the right is a room which seems like the embodiment of a dear, well-worn sweater. There is an air of crisp winter and the promise of snow ringing in the space. It is the bedroom of HERMIONE GRANGER in her home in London. Little pillows and books are piled on shelves and small tables. A desk sits against the center wall, covered with neat stacks of parchment, notebooks and textbooks. A few wrapped presents sit under the desk. A bed, draped in a purple and red quilt, sits in the back right corner.)

(As the lights come up, HERMIONE is untangling a thread of fairy lights. She struggles with one particularly stubborn knot. Consumed by the task she sits down on her bed. For a moment she works at the knot in the wire but then she pauses, looking up. She sets it down with a smile and steps back. From her pocket she pulls out her wand and points it at the bundle of lights. With perfect posture and flawless diction she casts a spell. The fairy lights float into the air and untangle themselves. HERMIONE grins widely and tucks her wand away. She hops up onto her bed and begins to hang up the lights on hooks in the wall.)

(VRISKA enters from a door on the left. She crosses to her desk and throws her bag on the floor. A few gold coins and a gem or two tumble out. She sits down at her computer and begins to type.)

(A tube of parchment shakes on HERMIONE's desk with the sound of a tinkling bell. As Vriska begins to read the messages she's sending, HERMIONE finishes hanging the lights.)

VRISKA: Hermiiiiiiiione!!!!!!!!

VRISKA: Guess what?

VRISKA: Come on, guess.

VRISKA: Answer your magic scroll device already.

VRISKA: Come onnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!

(HERMIONE steps off her bed and sits down at her desk. She takes the shaking scroll and opens it. It stops shaking and ringing. She picks a quill pen off her desk and begins to write. They both read their chat messages as they are sent.)

HERMIONE: Hello Vriska. Sorry for the wait, I was in the middle of something.

VRISKA: Were you studying again?

VRISKA: Isn't it your witch 12th perigee?

HERMIONE: I wasn't studying. I'll have you know I was decorating my room.

HERMIONE: I untangled them with a new spell! You should've seen it.

VRISKA: If you didn't 8lock Trollian's viewfinder with your magic scroll device, I could have.

VRISKA: 8ut more importantly, you should've seen ME 8esting a new dungeon today.

VRISKA: There was so much loot Hermione.

VRISKA: So much loot.

HERMIONE: I would congratulate you, but I don't think it's a good idea to support your general predisposition for stealing.

VRISKA: You're no fun. ::::P

HERMIONE: Other than breaking rules, what have you been doing lately?

VRISKA: 8eing the 8est, trolling Tavros, just my regular awesome activities.

HERMIONE: Are there quite a lot of “irons in the fire,” perhaps?

VRISKA: So many irons.

HERMIONE: Well I've been getting ready for Christmas. Or, “witch 12th perigee” as you call it. I've just finished packing gifts for my friends at Hogwarts and hung the lights.

HERMIONE: Speaking of gifts, I made a little something for you. I know you don't celebrate Christmas, and I'm not sure when your 12th perigee is, but I wanted to get you something as a bit of a thank you. Or peace offering, I suppose.

(HERMIONE puts down her quill for a moment. She pulls a small present out from under her desk and places it on top of a pile of books.)

VRISKA: I didn't think you had it in you to make something nasty, even for a secret sufferer gift. I'm really impressed Hermione.

HERMIONE: It's not nasty! It's nice. Does your culture not give nice gifts around the holidays?

VRISKA: Why in the world would you give someone a gift like that?

HERMIONE: You give someone a nice gift to make them happy and thank them for being a great friend. Luckily for you, you'll get a perfectly lovely gift from me this year. At least, I think it's pretty lovely.

VRISKA: Are you going to magic it my way?

HERMIONE: That is a problem. I've been consulting all my textbooks and I haven't found any spells to send things across dimensions. Especially since I don't know exactly where you are in relation to London.

VRISKA: Lame. Since I have all the luck, I could get a strange pale secret sufferer gift to you 8y just dropping it in a messagecocoon. 8ut, you don't have all the luck.

VRISKA: Unfortunately only one person could be as awesome as I am in the whole of paradox space.

HERMIONE: I'm just a first year. By the time I've passed my OWLs, I'll be able to apparate right into your living room!

VRISKA: No you couldn't.

HERMIONE: Well, perhaps not, but maybe sometime I'll be able to transport _something_ across universes.

VRISKA: Ha. I'll 8elieve it when I see it.

(With a poof, the small box disappears from HERMIONE's desk.)

BOOMING VOICE: Dis-appearify!

(With a burst of smoke, the small box appears on VRISKA's desk, slightly charred. VRISKA scoots back in her chair.)

BOOMING VOICE: Appearify!

HERMIONE: Vriska! I can't believe it! It disappeared!

(VRISKA looks at the box. She is surprised, tentative. Pushing back her hesitation, she pursues her lips and opens the package with reckless abandon.)

HERMIONE: I haven't heard about anything like this before. Not even in _Supernatural Magic and the Unknown_!

(VRISKA reaches in and pulls out a knitted headband.)

HERMIONE: But, what if... I didn't even think, it could be some sort of magical creature. I've got to...

(HERMIONE abruptly stops writing and pulls out her copy of  _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them_ . She intently flips through the pages, scanning pages that she knows by heart.)

(VRISKA looks at the headband with perplexment.)

VRISKA: What is this thing?

(Interrupted by the shaking and ringing of the scroll on her desk, HERMIONE replies.)

HERMIONE: What is what?

HERMIONE: Did something come through???

VRISKA: Something in a 8ox just appearified on my desk. What do you even use this stick for anyways?

HERMIONE: Is it blue? And curved? And soft?

VRISKA: Yes.

VRISKA: Is this some sort of weapon? 8ecause that would 8e an awesome nice gift.

HERMIONE: No! It's a headband.

VRISKA: What's a head8and? It sounds kinda dum8.

HERMIONE: It's not dumb. You put it in your hair on the top of your head. It's a decoration.

(VRISKA tries to put on the headband in various different ways. None of them work.)

VRISKA: May8e witches have weird heads? It's not working for me.

HERMIONE: Oh. I guess I didn't think about that.

VRISKA: Like, how does it fit around your horns? May8e if you're like Karkat and your horns are just little dum8 nubs?

HERMIONE: I didn't know you have horns! That's so cool. Maybe your race is in  _Fantastic Beasts_ !

VRISKA: Hey, I'm not a 8east! ::::P

VRISKA: And even if I was I wouldn't be in any of your lame witch 8ooks.

HERMIONE: Sorry. I guess that isn't very nice of me. I'm sorry my gift didn't work for you.

(VRISKA hangs the headband on one of her horns.

VRISKA: I found a way to make it work. So... thanks I guess.

HERMIONE: Oh. Well, you're welcome.

VRISKA: Did your appearifying spell finally work?

HERMIONE: That's the thing! I didn't cast anything. I'm not sure what it was. I'll have to ask Mrs. McGonagall when I get back to Hogwarts.

(HERMIONE's mother calls upstairs. The words are barely audible.)

HERMIONE: I have to go. Dinner is ready and we're about to pop the crackers.

VRISKA: Oh, okay. Well I guess I'll have tell you all a8out my awesome dungeon skills l8r then. :::;)

HERMIONE: Merry Christmas Vriska.

HERMIONE: Oh, and Happy 12 th Perigee!

HERMIONE: Talk to you later.

HERMIONE: Sincerely, Hermione Granger

(HERMIONE sets down her quill. Getting up from her desk she crosses to the right door. Before exiting she looks back at where the present used to sit on her desk. She shrugs and exits. The thunder of hurrying down stairs can be heard offstage right.)

(VRISKA takes off the headband, considers it, and hangs it on the side of her computer monitor.)

(The faint clicking of VRISKA's lusus can be heard offstage left. A cheer, a toast from downstairs in the Granger house echoes through the stage as the lights go down.)

(BLACKOUT)

 


End file.
